Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, had a miscarriage in July that left her with “an almost unbearable grief,” she revealed in an essay for The New York Times. And the fact that too few people feel comfortable sharing their stories of pregnancy loss only perpetuates that pain and mourning, she said.
“It was a July morning that began as ordinarily as any other day,” Markle wrote, recalling that she made breakfast, fed her dogs, and went to change her son’s diaper. “After changing his diaper, I felt a sharp cramp,” she said. “I knew, as I clutched my firstborn child, that I was losing my second.” Hours later, she was in a hospital bed with her husband, Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, by her side. “Staring at the cold white walls, my eyes glazed over. I tried to imagine how we’d heal,” she wrote.
In thinking about her grief, Markle recalled a moment about a year ago when a journalist asked her, “Are you okay?” She answered honestly, saying that “not many people” had asked how she was doing as a new mother under intense media scrutiny. Now, she writes, that moment is a reminder of how important it is to speak about our pain—and to actually be heard.
“Losing a child means carrying an almost unbearable grief, experienced by many but talked about by few,” she wrote. “Yet despite the staggering commonality of this pain, the conversation remains taboo, riddled with (unwarranted) shame, and perpetuating a cycle of solitary mourning.”
Miscarriages are more common than many people realize. Somewhere between 10% and 20% of all known pregnancies result in miscarriage, according to the Mayo Clinic. About half of all miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, something that we have no control over whatsoever, SELF explained previously. Underlying health issues, such as poorly controlled hypertension or diabetes, can also play a role. Unfortunately, a lot of people believe that they’re somehow to blame for their miscarriage—due to stress, or exercise, or their daily cup of coffee—but these are common misconceptions not supported by research (learn more about these common miscarriage myths here).
It’s normal to feel grief or profound sadness after a miscarriage. But some people also feel a sense of guilt or shame, which is only made more difficult due to the stigma of pregnancy loss that keeps people from speaking openly about their experience. In fact, some experts have recommended we do away with the societal convention of hiding pregnancy news until it’s past the “safe point” of 12 weeks because it reinforces the idea that mourning a miscarriage should be done in private.
And simply starting the conversation—asking people how they’re doing and really listening—can do more than we realize to help those dealing with a loss, Markle says. “Some have bravely shared their stories; they have opened the door, knowing that when one person speaks truth, it gives license for all of us to do the same,” she wrote. “We have learned that when people ask how any of us are doing, and when they really listen to the answer, with an open heart and mind, the load of grief often becomes lighter—for all of us. In being invited to share our pain, together we take the first steps toward healing.”
Related:
Meghan Markle Says Online Trolling Seriously Impacted Her Mental Health
Why Do Miscarriages Happen? 5 Miscarriage Myths We Need to Stop Believing
Everything I Thought I Knew About Miscarriages Changed When I Had Two ‘Silent’ Ones