For many families, food is the centerpiece of get-togethers. Cooking and eating are activities that bring people together to enjoy a shared experience. But in some cases, the experience can be triggering—especially if you have a complex relationship with food. If you find yourself walking away from mealtime with family feeling upset, anxious, resentful, or otherwise not so great, it may mean it’s time to set some boundaries around food.
“Most people who are looking to set up some boundaries around food with their family are usually doing so because they’re trying to make some sort of a change for themselves,” Monica Kelly, L.C.S.W., in Round Rock, Texas, tells SELF. Whether they are seeking to improve their relationship with food or their body, or changing their diet for whatever reason, it can be hard to implement a food-related change when food traditions run deep.
One reason is because, for many families, food isn’t just food.
“Food represents culture and history, and it can be a way that people build community, find comfort, and feel like they belong,” Mishay Butler-Ozore, LMFT, in Southern California, tells SELF. This can make for a messy situation when someone wants to break the mold. “Family members can feel like you’re rejecting them—like you’re not just resisting a food or recipe, but resisting generations and history,” Butler-Ozore says. “It can become very personal for some families.”
Setting boundaries allows you to be open and honest about your needs. Ideally, it can keep you from feeling disrespected by your loved ones and harboring feelings of resentment and vice versa. And, if necessary, it can open the door to finding other, mutually enjoyable ways to connect and build your relationships, Butler-Ozore says.
Even if your family gatherings are limited (or nonexistent) right now, family tension probably isn’t going to magically go away (sorry). For some people, it may even be looming in their minds as an unwelcome part of getting back to “normal” life. Having a plan ahead of time can make it a lot easier—and get you looking forward to the next big family gathering, whenever that may be.
Here’s how experts recommend setting boundaries around food that both you and your family members can feel good about.
1. Do the internal work first.
“The number one thing I tell clients is that you have to internally be clear about what your boundaries are and grant yourself permission to have those boundaries,” Danielle Locklear, LMFT, in Austin, tells SELF. “When we’re not clear about our boundaries and have not internally reconciled them and given ourselves energetic permission to have them, that’s when we can sort of get bulldozed by people.”
Simply put: If you want other people to accept and respect your boundaries, you have to accept and respect them first.
So how do you do that? Butler-Ozore suggests asking yourself some questions: What is the change you’re trying to make? Why do you want to make it? Why is it so important to you? Maybe it’s that you’d like to ban certain body-related comments or diet talk from the dinner table, or maybe your boundary is related to a specific dietary change you’re making and you know your family is going to push back. Whatever it is, it’s important to define it in your mind first. “If you’re not sure why you even feel the way you do, it’s harder to set a boundary,” she says. You may end up setting a boundary based on what’s comfortable for everyone else, not based on what you need.
Giving yourself this permission can be tricky. “A lot of people don’t believe they have a right to set boundaries with family,” Butler-Ozore says. “You feel like you don’t deserve to get what you need or that they don’t care what you need, and those are the thoughts you have to fight before you even face family members.”
Once you are clear about what you need, remind yourself that you have a right to ask for it. You can respect your family and know that your needs are important at the same time, Butler-Ozore says.
2. Plan out the conversation—and practice it.
First, decide who you’re going to speak with. Maybe it’s the person who is saying or doing things that rub against the boundary you want to set. Maybe it’s a parent who you can get on board first so they can help wrangle the rest of the family.
Then think about how you’re going to say it. Everyone’s family is different, so the language and tone you use with your family will differ from the one you use with other people, says Locklear. It’s worth spending some time thinking about how you communicate best with your family, and how they might react to what you have to say. For instance, the conversation may warrant a very serious or more lighthearted tone depending on what feels most natural with your family and what they generally respond to. It may also depend on whom specifically you’re speaking to.
“There may be some folks who are like, ‘Okay, cool sounds good, I will do my best to honor that,’ and then there are other folks who will not respond in that way,” Kelly says. If you can anticipate their reaction, you’ll be more prepared for how to handle the whole conversation.
Once you figure out the language you’re going to use, write it down. Then say it out loud to yourself while looking in a mirror, Locklear suggests. “Things sound different in our heads than when we say them for the first time,” she says. “It could come out robotic or stuffy sounding, and for a lot of families and cultures, they’re going to be thrown off.”
Think about how you can put your request into your own words so that it feels right. And then get comfortable saying it out loud. Seriously, practice it a few times like you would a speech or presentation, so that your brain is used to it and comfortable with it by the time the actual conversation happens.
3. Bring it up at a neutral time.
Like any other potentially sensitive conversation, you want to bring up the boundary talk ideally in a neutral moment, Locklear says: “Families tend to have emotionally charged relationships. When doing something that might feel scary or new or breaking down a relational pattern, we want to do it in a neutral moment.”
In person is usually best, Locklear says, though bringing up over the phone or via email or text first may be helpful in some situations (or necessary thanks to the pandemic). “If you think someone may have a big reaction to your boundary,” she says, “it can be an act of self-care to have that conversation over phone or email to allow them space to have said emotional response, and then revisit the discussion once they’ve settled.”
A phone call ahead of time can also help set a shared expectation, Locklear says. For example: “Yes, I would love to join you for a picnic, but just so you know, I’m not drinking this month so I won’t be able to have wine.” This can get everyone on the same page so that there are no surprises (if that’s something you think would be useful for someone in your family).
This tactic can be especially helpful if you know a particular family member is going to have a strong reaction. If you can establish your boundary well in advance—say, a month before the holiday or gathering in question—it can give them time and space to have their reaction, Locklear says.
Ultimately, you’ll need to figure out what time or place or method your family will be most receptive to.
4. Follow the DEARMAN tactic.
Butler-Ozore suggests using a technique from dialectical behavioral therapy that’s focused on effective interpersonal communication, known by the acronym DEARMAN. “It can help people learn how to ask for something that they want from others,” she says. Here’s what it stands for and how to use it:
- Describe the situation. Stick to the facts. “Dieting and weight come up often at the dinner table, and I’m not okay with it.”
- Express your feelings. “I’m trying to develop a healthier relationship with food, and this sort of talk makes it very difficult for me to do that. It also makes me not want to attend family meals.”
- Assert what you would like to happen. “I’d like if everyone could please stop talking about dieting and weight loss when we’re at the dinner table.”
- Reinforce why they should care. What’s the reward? “This will help make me feel comfortable again at family meals, and give us an opportunity to talk about other things and really bond as a family.”
- Maintain, or stay mindful and focused on what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation: the boundary you set out to create in the first place.
- Appear confident. Easier said than done, but remind yourself that you deserve to create and uphold boundaries for your own well-being.
- Negotiate. Be willing to give a little in order to get. That doesn’t mean you need to give up your boundary or concede. It just means you might need to offer some creative solutions to their concerns that don’t require you to compromise on what ultimately makes you feel comfortable and respected. “I’d be happy to come up with a conversation starter at the beginning of the meal so we can start to focus on other, more positive things when we are together.”
“If negotiation isn’t working, go to the top and start all over again,” Butler-Ozore says. Only you can determine how much negotiating you’re willing to do before you undermine your own boundary. If you’ve offered alternative solutions and no longer have any suggestions that keep you within your boundary, it might be time to stop and recognize that the other person might just not be ready to respect your boundary right now (read on for more on that).
5. Accept what you can control and what you can’t.
Setting boundaries isn’t always going to go perfectly. Especially when they’re related to messy things like family and food. That’s okay.
“When we set boundaries with anyone, there’s likely to be disappointment, especially if we’re breaking a relational dynamic we’ve had with that person over time,” Locklear says. “They might be disappointed, and it’s okay for people to get disappointed. That’s not your work to do, that’s theirs.”
What she means by that is: It’s your responsibility to clearly communicate what you need, but the way other people react is not your responsibility.
It all comes back to honoring your needs and your energy. “You can communicate your boundary and remind people when they are brushing up against it,” Locklear says, “but you don’t need to be available to keep defending yourself over and over again or energy use energy to keep explaining yourself if someone is not available to listen.”
6. Decide when it’s time to move on.
This type of work can be really difficult, Kelly says. “It’s really difficult to divest from a system while living within that system, so it’s important to be careful with where your energy is.” Even after approaching this the best way possible, there still might be some people who don’t get it. It’s okay to reinforce your boundaries more firmly if they’re not understanding, Kelly says. It’s also okay to walk away from it if it’s costing you more energy than you can spare.
“Be in tune with where you are and be patient and graceful with yourself when you can’t be as direct with boundaries,” she says. That might mean having to change some of your behaviors instead so that you can still honor your needs in whatever way you can. Maybe that means leaving the room when food conversations come up or taking a break from one specific person who is really not accepting or respecting your boundaries.
Maybe that means not going to family events where food will be present. “As hard as that can be, the point is to get yourself into a place where you can be emotionally and mentally well to be around them,” Kelly says. It could also mean getting creative about how you do connect. Suggest a different activity that doesn’t center on a meal, like a family game night.
Setting boundaries is an important exercise in patience. “We can’t just flip a switch and start a new familial pattern and expect there won’t be any opposition to it,” Locklear says. “We’re such an instant gratification culture, we want answers and quick fixes, and we find ourselves unwilling to stay in discomfort. But if people are really showing up for those hard, uncomfortable conversations, there’s really something beautiful on the other side of it.”
Related:
- 13 People on the Meaningful Food Traditions Passed Down in Their Families
- Healthy Eating Should Include Your Emotional Health Too—Here’s How
- You’re Not Alone If the Pandemic Is Wreaking Havoc on Your Relationship With Food