As if relationships with friends and family weren’t already tricky enough, the coronavirus pandemic has made them harder in so many ways. Now that some states are beginning to reopen, differences of opinion on social distancing have even more potential to throw a real wrench into close bonds. Take it from Jenny S., 28, who has been best friends with her roommate for decades. They’ve lived together on and off for years. “We’ve been through it all together, and we’ve always been there for each other,” Jenny tells SELF. Then their state lifted stay-at-home restrictions. Jenny is still practicing vigilant social distancing, but her roommate has started going to workout classes, which Jenny feels is putting them both at too much risk. “I would never have expected to be so ideologically split,” she says.
She’s not the only one. Diana S., 45, returned from an international trip just as COVID-19 restrictions were enacted in her state. Unaware that those restrictions recommended that she quarantine, Diana went to the grocery store soon after arriving home. When she told her sister, an essential worker, about the grocery trip, her sister said she couldn’t believe she was risking her life for people like Diana. Save for a few text messages, they haven’t spoken since.
Even with some guidance from local officials, many people are having to make their own decisions about how comfortable they are rejoining the outside world. Complicating matters, just because states are easing restrictions doesn’t make the virus less harmful. “The virus is still the same. It’s just that now we can [treat patients] and not worry about our hospitals going into crisis,” Amesh Adalja, M.D., a senior scholar at the Johns Hopkins University Center for Health Security, tells SELF.
So, as we navigate this new normal, what can you do when you and your loved ones disagree—like, seriously disagree—about social distancing? SELF spoke with two psychologists to get their best advice for having productive conversations around this sensitive topic, no matter where you fall.
1. Start by asking sincere questions about where your loved one is coming from.
The essential ingredient to hard conversations is a willingness to see the other person’s perspective, Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., a psychologist in Washington, D.C., and author of a forthcoming book about friendship, tells SELF. In other words, you need empathy. You don’t have to agree with your loved one, Franco says, but it’s extremely useful to understand the perspective that’s informing their choices. They likely have their own needs, anxieties, past experiences, and other sources of information they’re relying on when they decide how to handle social distancing right now.
People often respond to you the way you respond to them, Franco explains, even though this can be easy to forget when you’re nervous about having a difficult conversation. If you want someone to hear you out and understand your point of view, start by doing the same for them. Ask earnest questions and really listen to their answers while being as open and understanding as possible. Questions like, “How have you really been doing through the pandemic? How has all of this been sitting with you?” are a good place to start, Franco says, but it will really depend on your relationship. Maybe you already have that baseline information and can jump straight into questions about which emotions are underlying the way they want to handle social distancing, for instance.
2. When you share your concerns, also share your vulnerability.
Countering your loved one’s concerns with criticism or impersonal facts and statistics isn’t likely to work well. “There’s some evidence [that] when people have dug in their heels about a high-intensity issue that feels very polarized…contradictory evidence and an alternative argument can actually backfire and make them dig in their heels more,” Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Detox Your Thoughts tells SELF. Rather than going big-scale about why social distancing is still necessary for curbing the spread of this virus, talk about your own fears and concerns. “Why is this personally affecting you? What’s going on for you throughout this pandemic?” Franco says.
Franco offers this example script: “I’m really worried for my mom. She’s immunocompromised and she’s elderly. And so when I see people not social distancing anymore, I’m afraid that this virus is going to get to someone like her.” This kind of vulnerability can help the other person have empathy and hear you better too.
3. Interrogate any judgmental feelings you may have.
It’s completely okay to feel judgmental, Bonior says. It’s a natural human response.
Wudan Y., 30, can relate. She’s been monitoring friends and acquaintances on social media to see how closely they’re following social distancing recommendations. “I find myself judging people for the things that they’re doing,” Wudan tells SELF. She says it’s impacting her ability to have relationships with people.
That’s understandable, and shaming yourself for having these kinds of feelings won’t help. With that said, judgment can lead to blaming. It often feels really good to unload these emotions on the person in question, Franco notes, but it’s not conducive to reaching understanding. And you have to want to understand the other person to make any headway.
If you find yourself almost vibrating with judgment because your uncle is trying to coordinate a family barbecue this weekend, remember that as impossible as it feels, empathy needs to be at the forefront of these kinds of conversations, especially if you’re going to actually influence someone’s opinions or behavior. (Which may mean you need to wait a bit and center yourself before talking to your loved one.)
4. Know that these conversations will likely be more effective with your close network.
While it may be tempting to argue with people in your more distant network—other members in a Facebook group you’re a part of, a person you follow on Twitter or Instagram—it’s hard to change people’s minds this way or even have a real conversation. “These conversations work when we believe that they’re coming from a place of love,” Franco says. “When it’s someone who’s a lot more distant from you, it’s going to be harder for people to believe that you’re coming from a place of love and care for them.”
5. Figure out your boundaries and express them clearly.
Let’s say your parents really want to see your kids, but that level of interaction doesn’t feel safe to you yet. That’s completely okay, Franco says. Once you know that’s your boundary, you can try to find an option that still works for all parties involved. When you have to say no to someone because you’re not comfortable with a certain level of in-person interaction, it can be really helpful to offer alternatives, Bonior says. She recommends asking yourself if there’s a middle ground you can reach.
“A lot of times there’s a little bit of wiggle room within a boundary,” Bonior says. In fact, think of them more like zones, especially in times like now when everything is in flux. “Your viewpoint today might be very different than it is in two weeks,” Bonior says. “We’ve all had to adjust on the fly.” For example, would you be comfortable meeting at a distance of 10 or 12 feet? Or if you aren’t ready to meet in person, could you try a virtual activity you’d normally be less enthusiastic about but that your loved one would be psyched to do?
You probably know already if there’s someone in your life you can’t trust to respect your boundaries, even after you’ve tried to reach a middle ground. Someone who, for example, may say they’re willing to stay 10 feet apart but you know won’t be able to resist hugging you or your kids. Take that information into account when deciding what’s comfortable for you, Bonior says. That might mean keeping interactions with those people virtual until the risk has gone down.
Finally, it’s important that you communicate your boundaries clearly, Bonior says. If friends or family are trying to plan for an upcoming get-together but you know you’re not going to be ready to see others in person by then, it’s better to be clear upfront rather than try to spare their feelings by canceling later.
6. If you’re the one craving social interaction IRL, express why.
Maybe you’re the person ready to start expanding your social bubble, and your loved ones are reluctant. This can be really painful. Franco says it’s important to share your loneliness or any other related feelings with your loved ones. “Your job is not to tell [them] to change what their boundaries are around this illness, but to [clue] them in on what you’re going through,” she says. You might also ask if you can brainstorm ideas together that would help you feel more connected while also allowing them to feel as safe as possible.
If you’re having a hard time staying at home because you’re lonely, those feelings are valid. The isolation involved with this pandemic can understandably take a real toll on mental health. “The basic self-care avenue is super important,” Bonior says. “All the basics, [like] protecting your sleep, moving your body, getting outdoors with nature, doing something creative—all those things can be helpful.”
Bonior specifically recommends looking for some kind of personal project that you can work on. That might be reading up more about important topics like race in America or finally getting around to a knitting project you didn’t have time for before. It’s not about being super productive, but rather finding a new way to occupy yourself. If you can spin it into a way to connect with loved ones that everyone feels good about—a book club, mailing each other cute knitting projects along with letters—all the better. However you do it, looking after your mental well-being from home in new or more intentional ways might make it easier to counter feelings like loneliness that can arise from staying inside so much.
7. If you mess up, let your friend or family member know you want to fix it.
While it would be nice to take this list of recommendations and never have anything but loving conversations again, that’s a pretty steep ask. In the event that your conversation doesn’t go as planned—or if you already had an argument before finding this story—it’s time to work on repair.
Your first step is, again, trying to acknowledge and empathize with your loved one’s perspective, Bonior says. Tell them what you’ve taken away from your conversations about how they’re feeling and what they’re going through. Say you’re sorry that the discussion got to the place that it has, and reiterate that you love them and miss them. Let them know you want to fix what went wrong.
Your loved one may respond quickly to that, or you may have to wait. “Let the person know that you want to repair things, but also respect their own time and space for when to do it,” Bonior says.
8. Remember that you can’t control another person’s behavior.
“Accept your powerlessness,” Franco says. When the stakes are so high, that can feel like a tall order, but it’s as true now as it was before the pandemic. We can’t make other people do what we want them to. You can share your experiences, you can be understanding, but ultimately it may not change how your friends or family choose to social distance (or not).
Related:
- Here’s How to Get Your Loved Ones to Take Social Distancing Seriously
- For People With Chronic Illnesses, Social Isolation Is Nothing New
- If You Refuse to Social Distance for Your Own Health, Please Do It for Mine