The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: A finale, finally
The ladies of RHOBH can wear as many bright colors as the rainbow and Pucci will allow, they can plump and buff their faces to a glistening sheen, they can bathe that table in Kyle’s backyard in as much buttery light as they want to…but nothing can convince me that weird ass “six months later” scene was a casual gal pal brunch and not a funeral for this once bustling franchise.
If it wasn’t the series’ death knell, we can at least all agree that the final 20 minutes of this finale was suuuuuper weird. And, in fact, that last three episodes of RHOBH have been weird. And maybe the whole season since we stopped regularly getting to say Lucy Lucy Apple Juice in grave voices. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills laid its foundation on dark — and I mean dark — subtext (and sometimes just text), so to see these gals wax poetic about friendship at the end of this season that was, professionally speaking, a garbage fire for them, is just one note too false in this recapper’s opinion.
This season was absolutely supposed to end with Provence, but I guess the Malibu fires meant that Denise and Camille couldn’t go, which meant that Camille couldn’t expose Dorit for being a scammer and buying all the tiny cars in her living room on credit, which meant that the season couldn’t stop there because nothing happened in Provence except Teddi going full “Crying Sorority Girl Just Wanted to Make It Snow” because she had too much unmarked rosé and was mean to Erika.
And in lieu of ending in Provence, it definitely felt like the season should have ended at tonight’s Agency party once Camille had torpedoed her way through every diamond-carrying Housewife, and the unmarked rosé was pulled out yet again. But I guess they had to find a way to rope in the concept of Lisa Vanderpump one last time, so why not a sun-dappled flash-forward brunch so the others can talk about LVP and the producers can throw a couple sepia-toned flashbacks her way and one panorama shot of her drinking tea, and finally put a lid on this fiasco? But as viewers, we are not supposed to be privy to these machinations! The end of a season should leave us wanting more, begging for a three-part reunion; instead, I’m worried these women couldn’t even hold my interest through the quiche course. (For the record, an ideal Real Housewives finale should also include some sort of sexy Santa and at least two blurred out butts.)
But, ignoring the weird last scene, this finale wasn’t all bad. Perhaps it was worth 3-to-thirteen extraneous episodes this season to finally get to see Denise unleash her full Midwest accent and tell Camille to “f—ing back off” while wearing a ball cap and a fur jacket. Because the chaotic element at play here was, of course, Camille, who decided that after inviting everyone to call her two-faced at dinner two nights prior, and then agreeing with everyone that she was kind of two-faced, and then proving it by telling Dorit, yes, she has talked about her behind her back, so now she’ll do it to her face, YOU’RE LIVING IN A LITERAL HOUSE OF LIES…
Now, in a fairly obvious ploy to explain the way she blew up Dorit’s spot, Camille feels that she was being attacked for “being nice” to Lisa Vanderpump. And you know that Camille means business because she stomps into the Agency party with two unnamed friends, as opposed to her usual one. And for some reason feels that the best course of action to prove she was attacked is to start attacking every person with a tagline. Now, it is pretty funny to hear Camille tell Teddi outright that she’s annoying, and to watch her pretend to be hurt in the face of Lisa Rinna wearing an absolutely ludicrous wig…
But I draw the line at attacking Denise. See, emboldened by her incurable hatred for Teddi, Camille finally confronts her about allegedly snubbing her daughter Mason at the airport in Hawaii. It seems pretty clear that Teddi wouldn’t snub a teenager on purpose, especially not in front of a lot of people, but Camille won’t let this go. Denise tries to calm things down by telling Teddi to go easy on Camille and telling Camille that Teddi didn’t snub her daughter, but she only gets as far as, “Camille, you know when–” before Camille roars back, “No, I don’t know, Denise, so back off.” Whoo boy — something in Denise Richards’ face changes. But it doesn’t go cold like Erika’s does, it goes hot, like she’s about to drag Camille into a cornfield as she stares her dead in the eyes and says, “You f—ing back off,” like an Illinois cheer captain taking back command of her squad. Mind you, Denise is wearing a costume sequin dress, a white fur coat, and an Agency hat during all of this with absolutely no explanation.
So, this season may have ended with a whimper, but if we can walk away with any hope for the future of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills franchise, let it be with the sound of Denise’s “YOU F—ING BACK OFF” ringing in our ears. Perhaps there are still diamonds to be mined yet, and a reunion that has to go on without LVP — hit us with your best three-part shot, RHOBH.
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