When it comes to men’s physical and mental health, we don’t often think about how the outcomes of bad health will impact our families. We barely think about how it will impact us. Sadly, health often doesn’t become a factor until we’re faced with a health issue we can’t ignore. And for Black men, this is especially problematic. According to research, Black men experience the worst health outcomes of any other demographic group. Society tells us part of being a good father is making sure that you are present and available for your family, which means that we often ignore our own health. Rather than putting it off, working fathers — especially fathers of color — need to embrace self-care in a number of ways. First, embrace the opportunities for change. Second, make the effort — and make it a habit. Third, talk to others about health. Finally, acknowledge your importance and self-worth, so you’re sure to look after you.
In March of this year, I contracted Covid-19. I did all the things that the CDC instructed me to do. I remained, as much as possible, six feet apart from others, washed my hands often, quarantined when I or my family was in close proximity to someone with Covid, yet it still found a way to overcome me and my nephew, while skipping over my wife and son. In addition to having Covid, I also had pneumonia, a preexisting condition, asthma, and my normal seasonal allergies. As a result, I was hospitalized for five days and out of work for over a month.
While I was in the hospital, I watched as the contracted cases of Covid and the associated deaths rose, particularly for Black people. For those five days, I had a lot of time to think about my family and what would happen to them and my business if I did not make it through this crisis. No one could visit, not even my wife. I was alone and scared. According to the CDC, to date, 589,000 have lost their lives to Covid-related illnesses; over 20,000 in my state of Georgia alone.
I also thought about the example I was setting for my boys. Being Black, a man, and a father, I have a lot to worry about. My life depends on it. Unfortunately, in this social climate, I don’t have the luxury of living life carefree. The realities of my race as a societal descriptor demands that I am constantly conscious of my daily surroundings (in fact, racism has long been a stressor that negatively affects mental, emotional, and physical health of people of color). And that’s on top of the efforts I put in toward taking care of my family, being the father I want to be, and running a business. Like many other men and fathers around me, I rarely think about — let alone take time for — my own health.
When it comes to men’s physical and mental health, we don’t often think about how the outcomes of bad health will impact our families. We barely think about how it will impact us. One of the reasons is because we do not make health a priority. Sadly, health often doesn’t become a factor until we’re faced with a health issue we can’t ignore. No surprise there — society expects us to work and produce with no excuses.
As the CEO of Fathers Incorporated, a nonprofit organization that provides direct services and works with practitioners, researchers, and policymakers to advocate for and support fathers, I have seen working fathers — especially Black fathers — struggle regularly with this issue. In addressing Black men within Fathers Incorporated’s “The Blueprint – Reimagining the Narrative of the Modern Black Father” report, we point out that physical and mental health disparities are factors rarely addressed as significant to the well-being of fathers (and therefore, families) of color. But according to research cited by Advisory Board, “Black men experience the worst health outcomes of any other demographic group, and at age 45, Black men have a life expectancy that is three years less than non-Hispanic white men.”
The Fathers Incorporated report further answers an important question as it relates to health: Why is it important to understand the determinants of deleterious health challenges for Black males? Illnesses often result in a rise in health care costs and medical bills. Low-income families already feeling the impact of a wealth gap may find themselves in even worse financial situations when strapped with astronomical medical debt. The 2020 coronavirus pandemic, for example, exposed healthcare inequities in America experienced by Black families. According to the CDC, Black people constitute about 13% of the population but make up 23% of all Covid-19 deaths as the result of preexisting conditions. Epidemiologists point to preexisting conditions as part of the reason for these disparities in Covid-19 related deaths by race.
Despite becoming aware of the aforementioned information, self-care has still slipped my grasp and the grasp of many men like me. It’s ironic because society tells us part of being a good father is making sure that you are present and available for your family — that you are there for milestone events, performances, graduations, weddings, grandchildren, and both the highs and lows of life. In general men only fix what is broken and not functioning in the short term. For me, life hasn’t afforded me the opportunity of prevention in the longer term. I deal with those things in life that need maintenance like, relationships, dreams, goals, and so on. In a very unfortunate way, we’ve been conditioned to deal with only “now,” no matter our condition in life.
But we need to change this thinking. Based on my own life and in my work with fathers, here are a few tips for prioritizing self-care that I hope will motivate the man who hasn’t been forced to think about his health or the man who keeps putting it off — the one who believes that “tomorrow” will always come.
Embrace the opportunity for change.
Every day is a new and perfect opportunity to make new decisions that allow you to change the trajectory of your life for success and longevity. I made the decision to begin the journey to change, knowing that I would not do it overnight and that it would be a challenge. What continues to motivate me is the fear of thinking about life for my family without me. Tell yourself the time is now to make the adjustments you need to prioritize physical and mental health.
Make the effort.
Self-care is intentional. For the most part, taking care of others is an automatic response. We do it as a result of responsibility, need, and habit. However, men don’t think about taking care of ourselves in the same way. We think it’s somebody else’s responsibility or it’s not urgent, so we believe there is no need. It’s not part of a consistent routine, so it never becomes a habit. The reality, though, is that you possess the best capacity to take care of you. Take a walk, go for a quiet drive, binge a great tv series, hang out with close friends; do anything that makes you feel good about giving attention to yourself.
Talk about health with others.
Every conversation I had with my friends (other men) gave me the opportunity to both talk about my health and encourage them to be mindful of their own. In doing so, I learned that I wasn’t alone in my thoughts. Fathers Incorporated currently has a campaign called #FatherhoodIsBrotherhood. The message is to convey to other dads that to be a great father is to be part of a great accountability circle of friends, like a brotherhood. For many of you, this circle already exists. It’s not something that you have to plan. The conversation can be organic, by simply asking a question or seeking advice from a small group of people. People are eager to help, but they don’t know you need help until you ask.
Acknowledge your importance and self-worth.
You are worthy and deserve to add “yourself” to the list of people you care for. When it comes to health, it’s always better to know, than not know. Listen to your body, pay attention to your thoughts, and monitor the tone of your spirit. No one knows you better than you know yourself. Therefore, only you are tasked with the greatest responsibility of taking care of you.
There was a silver lining being hospitalized and having Covid — it made me pause. It forced me to think about things that the normality of life allowed me to ignore. In a small way it motivated me, even inspired me, to do better for myself and my family.
You can’t help your family if you are not healthy enough to help yourself. And it’s not weak to express pain or to ask for help. Those who are close to you want to help, but often don’t know how, unless you tell them where they can. The world needs the best of you. Let’s not jeopardize our ability to provide that need by not caring for ourselves.