A footballer for every age. We have used transfermarkt as our guide, though their valuations are on the low side so we have taken the order but not the numbers…
16: Youssoufa Moukoko (Borussia Dortmund)
“He is 12 years old. That is a fact and there is no doubt about it. Some media reports about him have been disappointing.” Moukoko was so good having been promoted to the Dortmund Under-17s as a 12-year-old, scoring 17 goals in eight games, that his coach was forced to confirm his age.
He made his debut as soon as he was eligible last season, scoring three Bundesliga goals in 14 appearances.
17: Rayan Cherki (Lyon)
A total of 27 Ligue Un appearances as such a tender age is remarkable. He started five games and managed a goal and three assists.
18: Pedri (Barcelona)
The poor little b*stard must be knackered. Assuming he plays in Spain’s Olympic gold medal match he will have played 73 games in a single season – more than any other player in Europe in 2020-21. La Liga starts in ten days. All the best, fella.
19: Bukayo Saka (Arsenal)
He stole English hearts with his performances at Euro 2020, before breaking them as he missed the crucial penalty. We still love you, Bukayo.
20: Alphonso Davies (Bayern Munich)
He accepts that ‘Luke Shaw is clear’ of him at left-back, but we’re not so sure.
21: Erling Haaland (Borussia Dortmund)
“That’s a lot of money for a person!” Haaland said when asked about £150million links to Chelsea. You’ve got to love him for that. But we’re yet to be convinced there isn’t a load of metal and wires under his skin.
22: Kylian Mbappe (PSG)
The most valuable player in world football is definitely human. He had a bit of a nightmare summer.
23: Marcus Rashford (Manchester United)
He took on the Government and raised over £20million for starving children this year. Should be focusing on football, say the pr*cks.
24: Frenkie de Jong (Barcelona)
De Jong reckons Barcelona can “win everything this year” and we wouldn’t bet against a midfield of him and Pedri. The link-up with Memphis Depay looks tasty too…
😳We just can’t stop watching this.@Memphis pic.twitter.com/KJixgpnYV4
— FC Barcelona (@FCBarcelona) August 1, 2021
25: Rodri (Manchester City)
No Premier League midfielder completed more passes last season. Pep Guardiola totally f***ed it by not playing him or Fernandinho in the Champions League final.
Rodri’s real stats from last season, don’t disrespect him lol pic.twitter.com/mrcWRPzd5H
— • (@Gabbymerchant) August 3, 2021
26: Bruno Fernandes (Manchester United)
Forty goals and 25 assists in 80 games for United. He’s been ridiculous.
27: Marquinhos (PSG)
Many balked at the £28million PSG paid Roma for Marquinhos, just half a season after the Serie A club paid £5million for his services. It now looks like a snip.
28: Harry Kane (Tottenham)
Downing tools with a tool as his agent doesn’t really seem to be working. Manchester City will have to break the British transfer record to sign him, possibly days after breaking it once already this summer.
29: Mohamed Salah (Liverpool)
He’s scored over 20 goals in each of his four Liverpool seasons. He’ll hope to be given more of a hand this term.
30: Kevin De Bruyne (Manchester City)
One of the big factors behind Jack Grealish’s desire to leave Villa for City. The best passer of a football for some time now.
31: Toni Kroos (Real Madrid)
He’s played like a 31-year-old for the last decade and that’s lovely. Continues to lumber after Mason Mount in his sleep.
Still sleeping ok. But well done yesterday. congrats. Good luck in your first CL final. https://t.co/XTbtIkCXys
— Toni Kroos (@ToniKroos) May 6, 2021
32: Robert Lewandowski (Bayern Munich)
Forty-one goals in 27 league games is an absolute nonsense.
33: Karim Benzema (Real Madrid)
He’s scored 25 goals in each of the three seasons since Cristiano Ronaldo left for Juventus. Loves being the main man.
34: Lionel Messi (Barcelona)
The greatest footballer the world has ever seen. Don’t @ me.
35: Manuel Neuer (Bayern Munich)
Neuer conceded more goals in the Bundesliga last season than he has in his previous nine Bayern campaigns. Slipping.
36: Cristiano Ronaldo (Juventus)
Maybe the second greatest footballer the world has ever seen. Definitely not the greatest.
37: Samir Handanovic (Inter Milan)
Captained his club of nine years to their first Serie A title since 2010 last season. Lovely, that.
38: Franck Ribery (free agent)
Fiorentina have said they will not offer him a new deal, which is slightly odd given he was their assist leader with seven last season.
39: Zlatan Ibrahimovic (AC Milan)
PSG reportedly snubbed the chance to re-sign Ibrahimovic as Mauricio Pochettino feared a ‘clash of egos’ with one of the current players. It seems totally unnecessary to name that player.
40: Joaquin (Real Betis)
A Pro Evolution Soccer 5 and Real Betis legend.